merry christmas.

I found out that there's so many different ways of worship though the foundations of the churches are similar.

我知道，你不是让我宣泄的地方。但我若不在着宣泄，我就没有地方可去了。

今天 是对我的惩罚吗？把我丢弃，让我孤独是吗？或许我因该学学 大 s，自言自语:"我不会被打倒的。"

我没事。这是真的。虽然你什么都不知，但你让我孤独的这一天, 却给我加赠了一些感伤。

好难过的一天。

脑子里的另一个声音：世界上可怜的人多的是。不要在这里自觉得自己很可怜。因为你一点也不可怜。你这的已经很幸运的人，不要把你的错往别人身上推。

This week is the last week of classes for this semester. Time flies. I vividly remember the day when i just stepped into the seminar room and making new friends that I was so comfortable with now. The emotions for this week are quite complicated, a mix of happiness as holidays are coming and sadness as I'm about to part with my newly found friends with a tint of excitement for the next semester.

For those who feel the same as me, I was consoled by the words of a friend.

She said: "It's one semester and you've made good friends! Then the next semester your amount of good friends will double! You've alot of good friends instead of just maintaing the relationship with one group of friends only. "

Yeah, may these happiness multiply too...

Hey.

Life's been OKAY.

Seriously, when everyone else seems to be so busy over projects and after these few weeks, studying over exams. I feel that I'm actually OKAY. They stared at me with disbelieve.

I still have time to sleep, watch tv, rest at home. I think God is treating me real well.

However, recently the boss bidding is constantly on my mind. Like what should i bid for? What if i don't get them? What if i get them all ( which is what everybody who bids hope for) ? I'm afraid i can't cope with the workload.

Thankfully, i went for dg (some sort of cell group in school). I realised that everyone have their own worries but these are futile. As who can accomplish anything by worrying? Then the cause of worrying is due to lack of faith in God. I didn't trust him enough. I didn't truly believe that he will lead and provide me for the next sem, that he will be beside me when i face obstacles and struggles and he will lessen my burdens. So now i've prayed and added my bids, tomorrow I'ill see how God will lead me in my sem 2.

If you are feeling troubled and worried as well, why not flip the bible to Luke 12:22-34 and see what God wants to say to you?

This sunday fifth week, there will be a movie screening of the story of William Carey.

He's a missionary that went to India to spread the gospel. Throughout his years, there were struggles and obstacles that even led him to question : is it really God's will to bring him there? or it's just his own desires. The movie really impacted me, in the sense that a superstitious environment can be so evil. A place without God can be so scary. Also, when there's a lack of support from family members can become a burden for someone serving God.

Here's some learnings point that I've gained from the video. I encourage you to watch the video, you can also gain a lot of insight!

1. Beware of who you are partnering
2. Sacrifice is needed
3. Family support
4. God provides in His time, sometimes we have to wait, even till the last moment- that’s how we grow in faith
5. We are weak and constantly doubt. It is his will or my own desire/fantasy
6. It is not easy to have faith in suffering
7. Be someone who persuades and share his vision

I've also have some doubts especially regarding Dorothy (his wife). But i guess it's no point writing here. Shall go look for someone who watched the movie and discuss.

hello blog,

i'm going to change you into a reflective diary that contains substance.

Today i was taking the train to dhobby ghuat. As looking at the people there, i saw many well dressed, healthy looking young adults (no longer teenagers) standing and waiting. Then came a old couple. The grandpa was holding the hands of the old grandma, who couldn't straighten her back, and leading the way. I was sad, I pitied the condition of the grandma and wonders why is there an old couple taking the train? I sympathize them and started pondering about what history do they have. Have they braved through WW2? Were they our ancestor who worked to build up Singapore? Do they have a heart wrenching past?

I prayed. I hoped for them to be Christians. To have the salvation from God.

That's all you need. Whether you have a disastrous life now or had a sad past , it doesn't matter. Because you have God's mercy and grace NOW. He is with you now and forever. He delivers his promises.

On a lighter note, they are really loving. I hope for a man that will lead me, live with me, serve with me and love me even when I'm old and winkled, sick and forgetful, ill tempered and unreasonable. So if there's no such man, i would rather have God accompany me through my life. Thank you Lord.

Mental note: to buy small bible verses card/ booklets.

Today, we watch a documentary regarding George Muller, someone with great faith.

He manages orphanages. It may sound like a common thing to us, since there's so many orphanages around. However, he's different. Never did he once ask for any financial support nor did he mention his needs to people. Miraculously, he did not go into debt. There were times where it seems like that there won't be food for the children. However, he stands firm in his faith and waited. God provides. Sometimes, it was only hours before that the meals that food donations came in. All these stretches his faith for God.

So, how can someone become so great in faith accomplish so much?

If you do some research on the life he had led before his life change, he was a thief, liar and gambler. I believe most of us may lead a more 'holy' life as compared to him. How can he accomplish so much? or rather What caused him to change?

It was knowing the True meaning of Christianity, the despicable nature of man and the need for salvation.

He learns about religion since his was young as his father wanted him to work in the church. Sounds like a second generation Christian - like me. However during those days he still led a sinful life. So the point is not about knowing Christ, all these changes he had, have nothing to do with the amount of knowledge, but the personal relationship with God. Do you really truly believe that be it in wealth or poverty, blessing or disaster that God has his purpose? Do you trust that God provides and not you trying to use your own methods to plan for your future?

Lastly, how does he do all that?

It's because he understands God's will and purpose in his life.

How? Attitude. towards reading the bible and praying.

Seek God with a humble and meek attitude. Listens to what he wants to say and not rush through devotion like it's an obligation.

This is my challenge to myself and you, whoever that's reading this, for the week.

One lasting impression from the dvd was that even though he had to bury his wives and daughter and was alone in the world, he was not lonely.

Do you know how happy I was to see you today?

Haven't been so excited in a long time.

It made me realised what I've missed out on.

However, if time was to rewind, my choice would still be the same.

Today is the last time.

God please help me keep to my promise.

You would want me to be more optimistic too.

无话可说。

我找不到适合的字来形容，所以只能让傻傻的看着电脑，让泪水一滴一滴的滑落。

得到许多的同时，让我发现了我失去了好多。我失去了友情，知足，快乐。

一个人在街上走路，一个人冲冲的行走，一个人假装很忙，为了掩饰我的孤单。

在多人的角落却让我深刻的明白 ‘不属于‘ 着三个字。

问我大学好吗？我会笑著说：‘好啊，它让我学习了独立。’

有人曾经问过我：“你有什么害怕的事吗？因为你看起来什么都行，什么都不怕。”

那时，我就随便说了些什么。 但其实， 我害怕的就是你会知道我害怕。

how? i don't think i can move on. i still can't let you go.

:(

hello diary, it's the first time i'm typing with my mac. Life's been good with this new personal laptop. But life's bad as I proceed with uni. First is that i'm not sure of what i'm doing in here. there's no clear goal for me. Thus i hate it when people ask :"why did you come to econs in smu?"

Second, I've to spend so much time discussing and not deciding on issues. There's a need to fit my timetable, then have to consider the availability of such classes and also how much to bid for each prof. Lastly, I'm still finding a place for me to fit.

Qin can use FB in China, I wonder why. Oh well, I wonder if she can access blogspot now that she can use FB. Once a year meeting. Once a year we talk. Other times is just email. Sad.

Mummy keeps brainwashing me to not anyhow find a boy and date. I never intended to date in uni after hearing from qimei and also going for that trip to China. I wanna marry some China boy! hahaha. But all those are plans. You will never know what's going to happen.

How many emotional scars can a youngster handle?
How many words can be kept unspoken?
How many secrets can a heart contains?


Time of the month. The time for reflection, the time for pain, the time for tears.
I've gained alot from this trip and it made me ponder how much I've lost in the past years too.

Issues that I couldn't bring up. Words that I didn't know if I should believe. Tears that I shouldn't shed. I never liked crying, it feels like a loser unable to control her emotions.

I usually don't believe in lasting friendship. But now i wonder if it's something I've made up to prevent myself from the agony of sending someone important out of my life.

Enjoy the experience of walking down the lonesome road.
Life's a personal, individual journey.
They walk in, eventually will walk out.
You can't hold them back.
Cus they have their own path to take.

wait, wait and wait.



GOOD BYE.

AAHHHHHHHHH!
everything's so confusing. I'VE NO IDEA ABOUT ALL THAT school stuff. HELP!

Finally settled most of the stuff which deadlines are drawing close and BACK from ftb.
Now there's just a little time to update you on what's going on.

So, this week was hectic. Monday was rushing the slides and Tue- Thurs was camp.
Didn't get to sleep for around 1 full day for the camp this time round as i had to wake up on Fri morning to continue rushing the slides. there's also this CIP talk in school in the afternoon.

THEN IT WAS POURING SO HEAVILY, i was drenched and couldn't get to school on time. OK, i shouldn't blame the rain. cause i left house a little later and kinda lost my way. you must be wondering how can someone get lost going to town right? there's also surprises out there for you. so ya.

2 issues on my mind

it's hard to stand firm on my values, maybe it's because i don't exactly believe in what I've to do or that i really want to get to the dark side. I've always been adventurous (not literally), but whatever it is, standing in a pile of dirty water, it's difficult to stay clean.

Secondly, i really wanted to do it. I've even thought of it as a career. it's dangerous, don't make us worry, it's an expensive hobby. there's cold water all over my head. there's a higher risk in losing your life in that activity, but you've only one life, are you just going to spend it not trying out things that you love?

well, it may just be the spur of the moment, like you've said.

I like it when you ask me to do things.
I like it when I've assignments to rush.
I like it when my schedule's all planned out.
I like it when I'm busy.

I like it as it shows how time is precious and can be use much more efficiently.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
did something really stupid. a mistake followed by another and another...
it takes lots of effort to make it right again.
should i go back to church tomorrow to sort it out?

on the bright side, i made an discovery. HEEHEE.

Caught in a mess.
LONG STORY. i guess you will never see this as u don't know my link, but i just want to say this: you're my friend, so is he.
plus, we have a more dedicate relationship as compared to yours.

Talking to yan and tian on the phone just now. reminds me of something that has ended. Yan say she doesn't know what happened in the end and Tian says i'm horrible to stop being friends and all. But when i did that, i thought it was the best way to protect both of us. Oh well, Shall update them on it next week when we meet up.

So ya.

There's some camp promotional day tmr at smu, but i can't find anyone to go with.
Cause i've no idea who's going to smu and is free tmr and will want to go camps too.
SAD. maybe i'ill just stay at home? too much camps isn't very good either.

Anw, i'ill be going for the freshman team building camp next week. Kind of nervous.
Though it's just 3 days, they ask us to bring 5 sets of clothes. scary. I don't know what to expect man.

I'm enjoying the feeling of being alone. walking down the streets leisurely, sorting out my thoughts, planning my day, don't need to fit into other people's timing, reading at starbucks... the list is never ending.

I'm becoming like a loner.

oh ya, Qin is finally coming back.

life's as it is.
had slight fever on sun. it was surprising since i don't usually have fever, and i recently got stung by mosquitoes in malaysia. Was wondering if i had dengue. Thank God it recovered by mon.

then mon i went to dentist to extract the other wisdom tooth. i was really glad that that's it. the last one in my mouth. no more such experience. phew. then it hurts. can't laugh, can't smile, can't sleep.

the rest of the days were watching dramas, planning games and facebook.
got to do my uni stuff too. but swen's so busy to coordinate with me. sian

I'm back from mission trip. I wonder if it's too much experiences of staying up late or age that I no longer have the desire to keep awake every night (or even on the last night) to hang out with friends.
Every single day, me and jie will roll out our mattresses and sleeping bags and sleep like we haven slept for years.

this mission trip is filled with both happy, surprising and angry moments.
Happy memories are for me to keep, surprising ones are for me to try it out again on someone and angry ones are to be forgotten. Well, friction always occurs when you become too close to someone. let's just forget them.

this month of june will fly past real quickly,
as every week is filled of activity.

so this coming monday will be a week of pain and blood.
Then sat will be bbq with tao nan.

2 weeks to start from nothing, 2 seconds to end and pretend it never exist.

Was watching the re-play of little nyonya today. There was this scene where the granddaughter called the grandma cruel for being able to cut ties with the person she love completely. Since she was not able to get together with him again without feeling guilty, the best way is to end it. I believe it must have been painful and I really admired her character as she was able to keep to her decision to end the relationship properly.

I collected my grad cert, a level cert and year book today. It's weird that 2 years of memories can be squeezed into 1 book. Pathetic.

Met up with swen and jia as we went to pakway to drink KOI and I ate lunch. hahaha. it's just a few weeks since we last met, but seems like we have so much to update each other that a few hours ain't enough. for the past week, all 3 or us have resign from our jobs, 2 of us went overseas, and i went for a camp! information overload. it's sad, that we're now left to update each other in our activities as we're no longer involved in each other's activities.

we have all decided on where we're going, be it if we're sure of what's ahead of us.


qin,
there's no news from you. I wonder if you've made ur choice too. will it be here or elsewhere? seems like this is how far we can go. communicating through emails. ha.
i know you won't be reading this as you can't access blogspot, but this serves as a reminder to me and you that i've once missed you, that it's hard to contact you, that you've been away.

My phone is totally ruin by the mineral water that leaked in my bag. IT CAN'T RESPOND TO TOUCH. shit. for a touch screen phone. I've been phone-less for 3 days at least. All my information are still in my phone, gotta get it out somehow. Fortunately i just managed to save my contacts to my sim card. Thank God.

I'm exhausted. Just came back from the pri4 camp. Having an overseas trip which made me ill followed by facilitating a camp for children is crazy. Slept at 2.30am last night and had to wake up at 6.30am. I seriously need to go and rest now!

One interesting incident in the camp, I got stung by a bee.

TMR TMR, I'M GG OFF TMR!
i'm kinda scared for the trip cause it's just 2 of us. Please pray for our safety and that we have a good time! May we come back all refresh and ready to move on!

Ka yan and me have something in common. Not a good thing. but, oh well, let's say we're not ready. So mean while, keeps our eyes open and avoid falling into pits.

I realised i seldom make decisions. Instead of choosing this over that, I went 'this choice opens more options in the future, choose this. Next time then i think what I want to do. ' This happened in my choosing of subject combi in JC. Seems like history is going to repeat.

Another problem it's so hard to say. NO. STOP. It's getting too far off. First time you can say that's it's not your fault as you aren't aware of what's going on. What about the Second time? The Third? You can't just push the blame to the other party.

Wait for reply, or just charge straight away with the other choice?

YEAH. vic came over today and we did what we were supposed to accomplish.
it's really cute. must rmb to ask her to send me the photos!
she told me about how to make a choice through tossing a coin.

decide on which is head and which is tail. toss a coin. if you got a head and really regretted it/wants the tail, that is actually your choice. well, i have not try it for my case yet. i'm waiting for the opportunity.

After the freak tragic accident that happened on fri, we tried to re-organise our lives again.
So currently, the jobless me is going to help clean the house. Well, i don't mind since i'm basically staying at home and doing some research.
so i guess cleaning up the house will make use of all the left over free time that i have.

things i've to do for this week
1) clean house
2) research for the places of interest for my trip
3) meet up with vic to prepare stuff
4) go out with vic, ry for lunch
5) simei's dinner
6) plan ya june picnic
7) finish reading the dating book, so i can return to phoe
8) check out on the uni i will end up in

I've to keep a look out on my spending since there's a cut in the inflow of money.
Well, got to go do the above things already. Good bye.

There's no more time for you.

I wonder if it was better if I blogged yesterday. I mean the feeling was stronger last night. There was so much I wanted to say. Just 1 day and now I have no idea how to express those thoughts that had went back to their hiding places.

Let me try to organise my thoughts again.
Firstly, I was at the VJChoir concert. Altos met up for dinner and we chatted.
The same old topics like what have you been doing, which uni you want to go, the old days, choir stuff, etc. I miss singing in a choir. I believe we all do. It's always like that, people tend to miss the times that they can no longer go back to. When the whole thing was over, you will miss the happy times and forget all about the hardwork, stress, sian-ness that you've gone through. Those tough moments that you used to say never to have to go through again.

Singing no man was touching. to us it's a song to bring back past memory. However, to them it marks the end of their journey. From now on you can no longer make changes, but only look back to what you've done.

Well, you always make girls feel special. I wonder if that's a talent or a curse. I hoped I was different, but I guess it was just another typical relationship you have. So I will let it go and move on. No point holding on to meaningless feelings.

Secondly, I should be more optimistic. It's their first few weeks and I'm already scaring them with the work. I guess no matter how bad it was I survived for 3 months, so that means they may be able to do so . It's my last week but the baggages on my shoulders doesn't have to be passed onto them. Let them find their own and carry them till the end.

2 more days .
Actually, days without work doesn't seem much more interesting now.

HELLO.

Saturday
Met up with yoon, ben and swen in the afternoon. I was really happy that they can make it for the meet up. Chit chat about their ns life and funny stuff. I wonder who they will bring for their 'party'. still hope that someone will be different and bring his mother there. HAHA.

Then, we had farewell dinner for huimin at down town east sakura. It's a pity that some of us can't come and that someone didn't really want to come. BUT ALL IS FINE. We still had fun!

So the buffet wasn't so worth it for us as we aren't great eaters and that we're full from that laughing at sebastian's jokes. I still think his jokes are a bit scary than funny. I won't be sharing his jokes here cause it's only funny when you hear it from him directly and see his stupid facial expressions. Another reason is that his jokes are always linked to me, some how or another. well, if you're really interested, i guess you can ask me and i MAY tell you.

Sunday
Really tired.

Met up with Jia ling at coffee bean. We talked for 1hr plus and went to walk around for a while then we head back home. It was a really a chill-lax session, no laughing or crazy moments but still very enjoyable. We both wonder when will it be the next time our whole class can meet up.
I doubt it will be soon for mega gatherings, but small little groups may be weeks later?

Another event to look forward to is THIS WEEK IS MY LAST WEEK!!! WOOOH HOO!
I can't believe i managed to stay on for approximately 3 months. I really pray that this final week will peacefully pass by. then friday is a farewell picnic for me!!! looking forward to it.

I'm still packing my timetable and filling up all empty slots.

TIAN, you know my secret now!! hahaha.
it's really an interesting trait right?
can't wait to find out the weird things you do in such situations too.
MUST TELL ME HOR! since I'm already so honest and frank towards you!


so yeah. do a prayer, stop thinking about it and everything will just fall in place.
be it schedule or others.

so yeah! my schedule for this week is packed!
though with some i-dunno-what-is-going-to-happen programmes.
but at least confirm got people come and accompany me !
so that's GOOD ENOUGH!!!

Now I'm pissed.

With all the different time slots that are available after our hectic lifestyles (consisting of working girls with different shifts, hardworking girl with tons of tuition, army boys with confinement and everyone else with other commitments), the common potential time that we can meet is none . that's correct ZERO. It's either you and her without me, you and me without her ... simply, we just can't have full force. URGH.

Then there comes the happiest thing. NS boys say they are most probably can come out on Friday and late shift girl say she can come after work. Meeting time is 10pm to 12am(taking into consideration of nagging parents) . HURRAY. Finally we can at least get some progress in this gathering. So exciting.

THEN AS A NICE AND OBEDIENT GIRL, I went to seek permission.

Here comes the BOMB.


NO. THAT'S TOO LATE. It's dangerous.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What? I tried to consider your point of view and said I will be back by 12am or most probably even earlier.
( attempts at reasoning / tried arguing)
Do you want me to set curfew?
(THAT WAS IT.) Even if you set, doesn't mean I will obey.
Lock the door and you can sleep outside/staircase/whatever
THAT'S GREAT. what's with saying all the above crap about it being dangerous.
=_________________________________=
shut my mouth. should totally follow instructions and stay over at my friend's house.
.
.
.
.
.
continue shutting my mouth.


So now, we're back to square.
Trying to organize something out of nothing and returning back to nothing for the whole day was just irritating.

To my soul mate:

Let this be my confession. Thank you for being my soulmate and that I can count on you to share and obtain some advice from a Christian point of view. Now I understand what you mean that sometimes people are better off as soulmates :) You've been there for me when I'm really down, with my wife (best friend) away somewhere in China and some other friends, busy with their lives. I really appreciate that.

Now it's my turn to apologise.
I'm sorry for burdening you with my troubles especially when I'm so fickle. Even I myself find it really irritating. It's not like I don't know what to do but whether I will follow through what I've decided.

I do not know your definition of feelings.
So I don't know if my interest in this means that I do have feelings for him. All I know is that I don't like to disappoint people especially when the other party tries so hard. I can easily forget and move on when I sense that the other person is not making an effort to maintain the relationship. However, I really have a soft spot for people who tries to accommodate my time to meet me, travel all the way to my side when I'm lazy to move, go along with my spontaneous requests, etc. Of course what I've just mentioned does not all apply in this case.

I really like the thrill, venturing into a situation that no one has control in. Well, I guess the above shows that I like to play. You can say I'm cruel, you can say I'm not considering his feelings, you can say I'm hurting others. Right now, I do not have the ability to break free from such sinful thoughts. Hah, I'm selfish too.

I need to find my answer and an appropriate action to settle all these.
Hopefully, it will be the best solution. Please keep me in your prayers. I will pray for you too.
May we both learn and grow in Christ.
There's nothing much human can do, let God do the impossible.
Let God fill the gaps in our hearts.
Let him lead.

Thankfully, Phoe finally remember to pass me this book (I kissed dating goodbye.) Hopefully, I can find my answer in there.

To tian, if you ever find your way here. Thanks for making an effort to meet me today. Thanks for listening to me go on and on about people too.
We're both facing problems and they are similar to a certain extent. Hopefully, we can both find solutions to our problems real soon and that we can return to our happy selves again. Look forward to the next time we meet.

That was easy.
Just a prayer and hand the matter to God.
Should do that for every single trouble I have.

i don't even have to wait for 3 months.
that's good. it's all over.
i've sorted myself out.
so yeah.

can't wait to meet THEM on sunday.
starbucks or coffee bean here i come!
sit. chat. relax. rot.

HEY!

it's not that my blog is boring.
it's just i like to share the interesting news face to face so i can see all the FUNNY expressions.

just did that today.
had dinner with tkg friends.
it's a pity qin couldn't come.
she totally missed all the latest updates from us.
i think when she's back all the issues are outdated.
it's sad that she can't even use FB.



you don't like me enough.

hey.
Stop clotting up. just bleed will you.

You're always the first one to leave.
But why haven't i grown numb to that.

TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY.

I've got the mail.
It's a pity that the other schools didn't get back to me.
Oh Well, that's good already.
Thank God.

Let's start my countdown.
What the adults said were right, there's still years for me to work after i graduate.
I shall just keep to my words, finish this up and do something more meaningful.
Learn cooking, read bible and how to cha hua!

Mr owl is going ns tomorrow and he's being annoying today.
He even dared me to ignore him. humph. I shall do that.
Let him go suffer in army.
HAHAHA.


I'm always evil.

hahaha.
I'm evil.
too bad! who tell you don't remember my blog link.
lalalala.

find me if you can.
let's see how long you take.
:)

I didn't dare to ask this question although there was a chance again.
Sometimes, I hope that I could be more brave to approach you.
However, I could never break the barrier.

If only we could be more honest with ourselves.
I will just wait for you 3 months more.

Why is it that you always ask me to wait?
And that my answer is always a Yes.

It was dangerous.
I was going to be robbed of one of my secrets last night.

If you told me something more, I would have dropped the bomb.
The thing that I was keeping for years.

Well, I'm glad that it ended up this way.

hello.
I did sth i have not done in 5 months.
I really need to do it to release all the tension that was building up in the past few weeks.
Although it really pains my heart, i guess what has to be done will be done.
Well, at least I'm feeling much better.


Can you guess what I did?

i need to know what i want.
i need to be firm about it.
i need to fight for it.
i need to sustain my stand.
i need to achieve it.

why is it so hard to be truthful?

how have you been? that's the opening phrase for me now. it's sad isn't it. we used to be in each other's life. now we're just spectators waiting for updates.

we say we will meet. we keep saying that. however, when will the meeting be? it's always next time. well, life's like that. i thought i'm used to all these already. As we age, we've to prioritise and the time allocated to each becomes lesser or even none.

i really missed my class. it's so sad. i don't think i had ever missed a class that much before.
i don't regret sticking on when i should have taken bio instead of phy.
thank you. each and everyone of you. you've enriched my jc life. made these 2 years filled with fun and laughter.

oh well. things don't change do it?
i thought we were special. but it happens that she was too.
why am i disappointed? when there's nothing to begin with since years ago.