i haven't been updating for a week.
well, so much have happened that i can't put them into words. feelings just keep piling up. it's this whole year worth of problems that can't be solve in a few days.

went to spiritual adoption family's house.
"are you ok? why are you so quiet"

"i'm always quiet." i said in a bhb tone.

so why? why is it that people notice that i'm quiet? if it's phoe sitting there, they won't ask rite? am i really that noisy last time? well, i think the prob is not that people notice, it's rather, why have i changed? what have i become?

anti social?
recently... i mean from the start of the year, i love to be quiet. esp in church. just sit down there and think or stone. i'm kinda tired of answering qns. standard qns. regarding how am i coping, how's my life.... WHAT CAN I SAY OTHER THAN "OK" ? can i say that i'm not doing fine. i'm really tired. i don't want to study anymore. i don't care about you anymore. i don't want to explain how i feel. even if i said all these, it can't solve anything. so what's the use of saying. plus, most of the time, i'm contradicting myself .


"will you all go to erm, what's that called, a pub? or a club?"
"NO. of course. i want to avoid temptation"
"i want to set a good example for my family"
(do you wanna hear the honest answer? i struggled.)

"yes. i don't mind. i want to go see see."

*shocked looks*

if you really know me, you know that i love to challenge traditions, people, whatever. even if i do agree with you, i just want to argue with you. doesn't that makes the conversation more interesting? and you can see things from a different view.

i remembered when i called home during class outing last friday. "Mom, i'm going home late." we negotiate about the time i should go home. blah blah. quarrelled quarrelled and i've to go home before 1145. but i said "i will take the last train."

in the end, everyone went home at 10 because the shops were all closed. no ice cream to eat.
it's like i don't want to live a life that's controlled by others. I want you to trust me. To give me the freedom to do what i want. But i will always do what you wanted me to because i don't want to break your faith in me.

"i'm struggling because i can't be a totally evil person because i will feel guilty yet i can't be a totally good person due to the environment."
i totally agree. That's why i'm struggling. the fight between the evil and the good. it's either complete victory or complete failure. anything in between is pain.

the year that i was pulled away so much that i feel like quiting bs.
friends do influence your priorities.



as i get closer to my class and further from my church.