I think I am a ...

Dear blog,

I think I'm a thinker. Cause the posts I wrote are so thought provoking that it still struck me today.

I think I'm a writer. Cause the posts I wrote are like needles and they still pierce me today.

I think I'm a loner. Cause the nights are still long and cold until today.


My friends who got access to my blog link today never knew this side of me. They ask: why are you so emotional? My reply is: cause you need a platform to show this side of you which you never showed to the world. As I am thinking about this question, my answer to their query evolved. I could have been emotional in the past because I needed an outlet to vent my frustrations, but now I use this platform for self reflection. Self reflecting could be happy, if you're contented with where you are now, or painful, if it's filled with regrets.

Well for me, it's anticipation. I'm waiting for the next change.

Two years on...

Dear Diary,

It's been 2 years since I came back here. My last post was before i graduated from SMU. With all those uncertainty and hope in the future. Well, things has worked out. Now I am one year into my job. I am in a place that is irrelevant to what I have studied and experienced previously. This job is the only door that was open and I believed was one that God was leading me into. However, one year onward, I pray for the opening of another door. I wasn't in a bad place, I just never had passion about it. It's like being together with a good man you don't love. It's a pity that you give him up, yet he never made your heart beats faster. I wonder which was worst. Being the rational me, or that i choose to think that I am rational, know that I can't move till I know my next step. I hope that the next time I come back here, I will have an answer for you.

Hello,

It's been a while since I blogged. So exchange has ended and I am currently into my new semester. Indeed, I needed some time to get use to life back in Singapore. But it's all good for now. I'm halfway through my semester and I am going to graduate in 6 months. It's pretty exciting thinking about life after graduation. Questions like where I will be, what will i do, keeps popping into my head. I really hope to fast forward into the future, yet i'm afraid that the future is based on a decision that i made half heartedly. I am not sure what sort of life I want. I don't know which career to hop onto. I don't  know which step to take. Nevertheless, I shall just try and see which doors are open. That's probably what i can do for now. So hang on, because the next time I'm back, i would have an answer for you.

Quick updates

Hey blog,

Yeah, it's about time i came back to write some things.

The past week has been really dramatic. I've been ill and needed to exercise self restrain from drinking (which i did, yeah!). Then my friend was cheated of his money. I started going to church and fellowship more regularly, made some friends that i feel pretty upset that I won't have the time to developed this friendship further.

It's the month of march, april is coming, which means it's about time i leave this place. We're kind of finishing up our lessons and starting to prepare for exams. It's the peaceful period before the storm. And I am enjoying it, cause it's EXCHANGE!

Another adventure is going to start. With traveling, summer and back to Singapore. I am excited and nostalgic and afraid. But i know God is with me. Thank God. Please continue to lead me.

Living on your own

Dear Diary, 

It has been a really long while that I last saw you. Well, it could be good or bad. Good that I no longer need this platform to vent my frustrations that I slowly forgot its existence. Bad that I stopped writing or expressing myself. 

Times flies. This is probably the phrase that I have repeated the most on my blog. Every time I look back, think about life and jot down my thoughts, this phrase comes to my mind. To illustrate my point, just look at the previous post. It was on exchange administrative woes and now I am million of miles away in Canada, 2 months to the end of my exchange programme. Time flies. To the young who wished they would grow up instantly just to hit the clubs, don't. There's no best time than now. Cherish your time in whichever stage of the life you are in.

Being on exchange, I am often prompt by many questions. Where are you going? When are you coming back? How's it over there? Any cute guys over there? Partying all day and all night? etc. All these questions do stir my interest and provoke my thinking. I could tweaked all of them into deep philosophical questions about life. But today, I shall spare you the pain and just answer one of them. 

 

How do you feel about living on your own? 

The superficial answer would be "I LOVE IT" and you stop there (if you don't feel comfortable with the person you're conversing with). 

And as I don't know who would ever find this post and even have the patience to read through this, I have no reasons to hide my true answers. 

Living on your own is a challenge. Both physically and emotionally. First you've got to settle your administrative matters, getting a place, making sure there is utilities, internet. Then after you complete these one off issues, you move on to daily needs, grocery shopping, household chores, etc. Thankfully, I didn't have much issues with all these as I have conveniently moved into my friend's place for this exchange. Many thanks to her. She saved me a whole lot of trouble.

After settling in the house, your soul starts to ponder about those emotional needs. Being away from my family for a few months time is a first for me. I really enjoyed this new found freedom. Going out anytime and anywhere I want. This liberty of don't have to be accountable is so sweet. As I indulge in this freedom, I found the possible pitfall. It's called discipline. Embracing freedom is good, but one often goes off the limits. Clubbing and partying too frequently is one. I am not saying it in terms of moral standards but rather, I was referring to physical limits. Frequent active night life would have a toll on one's health and influence one's daytime activities. So one should always reflect on his personal life to ensure that his 'zen' is still present to conduct his normal functions.

Most of us are poor students, which meant that we can't have a whole apartment to our own. Living on your own would thus encompasses living with other house/roommates and this brings a whole lot of troubles. Maintaining a married life of 2 lovers is already difficult, which more to say living with someone you don't necessary love/like. It takes a lot of tolerance and endurance, forgiveness and forgotten.  But this is life. You have to manage all these interpersonal relationships. Saying "I hate you" or "I am not going to live with you" won't work. Both of you pay rent and it's not economically feasible to forfeit the rent and move out. There are a few ways to solve this though. Solutions : Time Heals, Minimise Interactions, Bribery. Sometimes you can use a combination of solutions. It works for me. 

The last point I would like to touch on is a widespread syndrome for students living abroad. Being away from family and friends, loneliness strikes in. Seeking a significant other become a solution to fulfil this need. Some became attached, some got flings, some made friends with benefits. All these in bid to distract oneself from the despair one feels at night. I do fall into this situation at times, but I try to rationalise myself out from this. Sometimes the alcohol isn't helping. But all in all, there are too much reasoning preventing me from reaching out to this solution. So till I managed to irrationalise my barriers or find someone who can throw me off my feet, I can only rationalise myself to reduce the impact of late lonely nights. 

This piece turns out to be a really long essay. I like it though. Although I can't be bothered to proof read it, which means there are probably various spelling/grammatical errors in there, I believe this is a decent piece of confession. There are subtle hints in between that reveals how I am living my life right now, which is what is important. Because this is my blog. 

 

Blanking out

No motivation to study nor to think about the future.

Where's the hope?

Exchange woes. 

Sounds ironic. exchange is suppose to be happy, yet the excitement is diluted with administrative work.

 

Hello,
How have you been? It's been a long time. The last time i remember writing on you was on Tian's Birthday. That was in April. Time flies away again. Now it's end May.

There are many updates. Good and Bad. But I'm learning how to cope with the bad and enjoy the good. I always have this phobia of authorities, it's time to learn to not always expect the worst with interacting with them. Have more confidence and assurance.

I guess holidays are too slack and free that thoughts will run wild. Come on, we gotta fight them.